Let me hammer your Bifrost, baby!
by yiangillium
Summary: Alfred figured it could be fun to try out all those Avengers' pickup lines he found online, and who could be a better victim than Ivan? Warning for silliness, implied sexual acts and adorkable Alfred!


So this idea struck me today (because my brother is silly~) and I just had to write it down. I can totally imagine Alfred using all those Avengers pickup lines just to annoy Ivan enough to get him in bed~  
(credits to this blog for all the pickup lines: avengerpickuplines . com )

* * *

"Hey, Ivan, do you know what parts you from the incredible Hulk?"  
Ivan groaned and pushed the annoying American away with one hand, yearning for a moment of peace to finish his very intriguing book. Was that really too much to ask for?

"Ivaan", Alfred said and tugged at the Russian's sleeve, demanding his attention, "come on, it's fun!"

The addressed man slammed shut his book, shooting Alfred an icy glare as he gave up his fruitless attempts to read.

"Fine", he muttered, "tell me what parts me from the stupid Hulk."

"My zipper", came Alfred's instant answer, his lips formed in a cheeky grin. When there was no reaction whatsoever, just Ivan's unamused stare at him, the blond wiggled and tilted his head, aiming a light punch at his boyfriend's shoulder.

"Come on, that /was/ fun! Don't be such a bore", he said, laying down and rolling over to his back, his head now resting in Ivan's lap.

If there was something more annoying than Alfred, Ivan thought to himself as he let out a sigh of exasperation, that would be a bored Alfred.

"Ha ha, very funny. Now would you please be so kind and leave me alone?" Ivan shoved the blond American from his legs and moved a bit further away and grabbing his book again, praying to whatever God was up there that Alfred would get the hint and just go and bother someone else for once.

It wasn't that Ivan disliked Alfred, -if he did, they obviously wouldn't be boyfriends- but Alfred could be somewhat consuming, constantly in need of attention and Ivan enjoyed spending time alone, which was something the American didn't seem to have discovered yet; that little thing called 'some time on your own'.

"You have to listen to this one, though!" Alfred chimes suddenly, obviously not listening to a word Ivan just said. Ivan rolled his eyes and made a noise, bracing himself for another sucky pickup line.

"Well, you know... I'm like cupid, baby, I'll shoot you with my arrow of love", Alfred hummed and quirked his brows suggestively, propping himself up on his elbows, hands clasped under his chin. "Although, the longest arrow I have isn't in my quiver."

"... That one sucked, Alfred", Ivan said and was just about to rise up when he suddenly had an idiot American sitting astride his lap, with hands yanking at Ivan's shirt and making him drop the book. Their lips brushed against each other as Alfred leaned in to whisper in the Russian's ear.

"I'll make you see more stars than the American flag", he said huskily, nibbling at the other's earlobe, pulling at the scarf to gain access to run a wet tongue down along Ivan's throat. "When I saw you, I knew that God had truly blessed America."

A grown emitted from the Russian's lips, but it wasn't entirely out of annoyance this time. Alfred knew his soft spots and that little devil used them all to his advantage. It wasn't like he complained though, as long as he ignored the lame Avengers' referenced pickup lines Alfred insisted on keeping up with.

"You have the worst pickup lines ever, you know that?" He let Alfred go on for a moment, the kisses sending shivers through his body.

"I may not have superpowers, but there's a reason they call me hero..", Alfred murmured, a moment before he got pushed of Ivan's lap, landing on the floor with an 'oof-'.

"Ivaaan, what was that for?" He whined, sitting up and rubbing his butt with a pout.

"That was for being annoying and not letting me read my book." Ivan picked up his book, dusted off some invisible dirt and stood, flashing a wry, slightly amused grin at the other. "But you look good down on the floor, so I will forgive you if you stay out of my way the coming hours."

Alfred snorted, pretending to be offended, but the growing grin on his lips gave it away. He tilted his head, watching his boyfriend as he rolled his eyes and headed away.

"I may be quiet now, but I'm a beast in bed!" he shouted after Ivan, snickering and laying down on the floor, hands behind his head and a small, smug smile adorning his lips.

* * *

About an hour later, Ivan was getting to the most intriguing and interesting parts of the book and had repressed the event with Alfred from his mind, completely consumed by the words on the pages. He sat on a chair in the hall, which he had originally had intended to move away from but then he had gotten sucked in by the story and forgotten all about comfort and places.

"I'll make your bed feel like the Bifrost, and transport you to another realm", came a far too familiar voice from his side and he jerked his head up, startled. When he saw Alfred, his face turned into a scowl. Having a good time on his own was a near impossible task when having a visit by the American.

"You can hammer me anytime you want, baby!"

"Can I hammer your face?"

"You'll be seeing rainbows, when I'm done with your Bifrost", Alfred said, his lips close enough to nudge against Ivan's cheek. The Russian groaned quietly and finally admitted defeat, knowing Alfred wouldn't stop until he got what he wanted.

Ivan slammed his book shut and rose up, making the other take a step back in belief that he went too far and pissed Ivan off. But to his surprise, Ivan was grinning, a suggestive, promising grin, as he dropped the book onto the chair and stepped closer.

"The pants don't always stay on when I 'hulk out', baby", Ivan smirked with a low chuckle, swooping up Alfred bridal-style in his arms and growling quietly in his ear, making Alfred let out a pleased gasp. He opened his mouth to reply, the look in his eyes screaming 'victory' all over, but before he could utter a word, Ivan shot him a look.

"One word and I'll drop you right here", he said and made his way to the bedroom.


End file.
